Bible Illiteracy pt2

Last week, I posted an article by this name. The Graphic did not show. It was a fake passage from the illiterate’s book… So today I copied ti below for you to enjoy.

See how many errors you can find in the passage. I found 27 (I think)

Hezekiah 17

And Gideon destroyed the Philistine camp with a loaf of barley bread and three fishes.

King, um…Nebuchadnezzar, I think, lead the Israelites to battle against the Philistines.  They faced a giant named Goliath who was ten feet tall, and he had a helmet and armor and a huge spear.  For forty days and forty nights he came out and yelled, “I defy the armies of Israel.  Choose a man to fight me.  If he kills me then we shall be your servants, but if I kill him, you all have to worship the golden calf or… we will throw you to the lion’s den.

But the Israelites were afraid to fight Goliath.

Now David was a little shepherd boy living at home.  His big brothers Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were in the army.  So… um… Moses…sent David to take his brothers some lunch since they forgot to pack one.

But when David got to the army camp, he saw how the solders were scared of Goliath.  The king said, “I will give half of my kingdom to anyone who climbs the beanstalk and kills the giant. David remembered that God helps them that help themselves, so he said, “here I am. Send me!”

But David’s oldest brother, Johnathan said, “Why do you come down here?  Have you checked the daily fleece?  Do you know if it is wet or dry?

So, David said, “You just have to have faith in yourself!”  And he took his slingshot and he picked up 3 stones from the brook Kidron. The first stone was too big.  The second stone was too little.  But the third stone was just right.

David slung the stone at Goliath, in spite of his mother’s warning to not throw stones at people or glass houses.    He hit Goliath in the head.  And Goliath fell dead, and the Earth swallowed him up whole.

Then the Israelites chased the Philistines all the way to the Red Sea where Peter was standing on the water waiting to drown the enemy army.

Excerpt from Sermon, The Scandal of Biblical Illiteracy

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